The ‘Host’ is the negotiator (‘HN’) who asks the questions.
The ‘Guest’ is the negotiator (‘GN’) who answers them.
These roles have nothing to do with the venue.
By asking questions, HN can steer the conversation toward his own interests (i.e. the ‘red-line’ terms of his pre-determined ‘settlement range’ [‘PSR’).
If HN listens to GN & ask questions, then GN will usually take the bait & offer more.
So:
– HN enquires,
– GN offers.
Thereby, HN controls the agenda.
HN is the Cat.
GN is the Mouse.
Paradoxically, GN (the Mouse) thinks that he is leading (i.e. that he is the Cat & HN the mouse). That is because GN is doing all of the talking.
In reality the opposite is true.
That is because the person i.e. HN, who is controlling the conversation & steering it in the direction of his own PSR is the negotiator who is asking the questions & listening.
What is actually happening, is that with each question being asked & answered, GN is being irresistibly drawn into HN’s PSR & further away from his own PSR.
Now, it is not smart for a mouse to sit next to a cat & of course in Mediation the negotiators do not have to meet in person or face to face by Zoom.
As a mediation advocate i.e. negotiator, your natural impulse is to take the lead by assuming the role of ‘Host’.
You are the Cat & your opponent is the Mouse.
In order to do this through a mediator you will prepare to invite the Mediator to ask your opponent questions thereby placing your hands & not those of your opponent on the steering wheel from the outset.
You take control of the mediation car & never allow your opponent to get into the driving seat.
Sorry to mix my metaphors!
So, in the mediation of a probate dispute, the Cat is HN. Not the Mediator.
If you appoint a Mediator who is not an experienced negotiator & does not know about the ‘Host’ & ‘Guest’ dynamic & if the Mediator then does HN’s bidding, he becomes a servant of the Cat.
So, a competent Mediator will always expose the game & thereby neutralise the ‘Cat & Mouse’ i.e. ‘Host’ v. ‘Guest’ manipulation dynamic, by asking the Cat, i.e. HN – ‘how does asking that question progress the resolution of this dispute?’
The answer to this question will reveal whether the Cat is planning to eat the mouse.
The Mediator can then use his skill to facilitate a paradigm shift, whereby the Cat & Mouse are transformed into partners who use their time & energy to focus upon: (i) preservation of the ‘cream & the cheese’ i.e. the estate assets; & (ii) allocation of the ‘cream & the cheese’ between them. This requires parties in dispute to work with the Mediator, by 1st exploring what each party values, needs & prioritises. They may be asymmetrical, because the Cat wants the cream & the mouse wants the cheese. It may also reveal the existence of common ground, i.e. instead of running around they can both enjoy their cream & cheese in peace.